Caged

I keep seeing a quote about if you want something different, you have to burn your old self away. An intriguing notion. The problem with that is, what if burning yourself away risks exposing something worse?

For the last decade, I lived my life according to the conventional path “get a career, get married and start a family” But something in me has always felt wrong, like a missing piece of a puzzle. It kills me to even think this, let alone put it into words, but as much love and devotion I have for my family, something deep inside me screams, this isn’t right. I try to stay busy to drown out the nagging voice, but the longer I push it down the louder the voice becomes in the night. I try to numb the voice with alcohol or bad reality tv but the more numb I become the harder it is to find my spark, my spirit, myself.

I’ll see a glimpse of that fiery girl occasionally when I let go of expectations and judgement. She’ll appear and I’ll be like “Oh there you are.” But then poof, like Cinderella at midnight, all the magic and wonder is gone and I’m alone in rags.

Burn your old self away. To me, the conventional, external version of me I carefully crafted over the years to fit perfectly into society’s “ideal” woman. She is the imposter in charge.

But burning myself away risks exposing something more wild, untamed. I’ve never let that side out of the cage, maybe I’m too afraid of what she’d do if left unchecked. So like a good housewife, like a good mother, good daughter and colleague, I squash that little voice that cries to be let out.

When I go dancing with girlfriends, and have a few too many drinks customary for a lady, I’ll let her out of the cage. I dance like I don’t belong to anyone. Like my life is mine alone. I’ll dance like I’ve never been broken, hurt, abandoned. And while I dance, it feels like I’m coming up for air after holding my breath for so long.

Then I sober up, put her back in the cage and go home.

The thing is why can’t I be a good house wife, mother etc. and still be me? Do I have to cage that side of me that craves magic and wonder for the sake of convention and routine? My husband seems to think so. He lives a much simpler life than mine, I’m envious.

Maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to burn myself away and be reborn the most authentic and real me. My dream is to light a fire in me so strong that I light up everyone around me. I’m done fading into the background of my own life.